I honestly do not know what is going on in me or with me. I can complain but it doesn't fix anything. I am being shaken. Its hard and harsh but if I tried to explain what is wrong I would be at a loss of words. Its a internal struggle. I shouldn't feel this way yet i dont know how to feel any different. I asked God to help me not walk by feelings so maybe this is part of it. I could give up, fold my hand, but that really isn't a option. So i am put in a position where I have to walk through this I dont have any choice. I can see a bit of the bigger picture. I know this is all necessary but I just wish I could respond to it differently. I just wish I didn't constantly feel like a failure. I dont like myself much right now or the way I feel. I dont like how I succumbed to my flesh and my anger last night. I came dangerously close to harming someone and that scared me. It isn't anything like me or who I want to be. Maybe i have hurt and anger trapped deep inside me that I have been suppressing that God is trying to clear out of me. Idk thats just me leaning on my own understanding. I am immobilized in my bed afraid to go or do anything. I have shame and remorse for being weak to my flesh yesterday. I told God if I just knew when this phase would end it would be easier. If you would just tell me directly to fast I would be able to do it. So he told me, directly. Guess what. It isn't much easier. So i guess I will just praise God and keep walking through it. Hallelujah.

Thanks for letting me vent here.

Every time i find joy and peace and gladness it is robbed from me so simply. When am I gonna be better at mastering my spirit. Why am I so easily robbed of good things. I am tossed to and fro like the waves of the sea.