Please pray for my physical and spiritual healing. I feel neglected and it manifests physically. I'm sorry but I will just pour everything here because I can't tell this to my friends and other members of the family. I feel so alone and taken for granted at home. I always do my best but it always feels as if I am not enough. I get good grades, I always did and I still do. I passed all the college entrance exams I took and even enjoying two scholarships. I even contribute some of my scholarship money to pay for the bills and to buy necessities. I know it is bad to compare myself to my sister and to my peers but based on what I have been experiencing, I feel like I am neglected and nobody tried to listen and understand me despite doing my best. Perhaps that is why I am underperforming.

I always assert what I need. We are forced to have online classes instead so I really need a study space that is conducive to learning. As an incoming junior premed student, I really need this. I have a small study table but the rainwater seeps through the roof and the area instantly gets wet. It's already rainy season in the Philippines and my formal online classes will start two days from now. They still have not fixed it and even refrained me from ordering epoxy online. I live two hours away from school and a roundtrip takes away 4 precious hours of my day. I asked and even begged them to let me pay for my own dorm next to my university but they did not allow me and forced me to just endure the traffic.

These are just some of the simple things I am asking for now: peaceful and quiet learning environment with little to no distraction and a study space where the rainwater does not wet my desk. I am losing everything now. I do not like it anymore. I can't even complain because for them, it means I am not respecting them. I do not like this anymore. I can't handle it. Lately, I have been so stressed and my pimples just don't heal and recently, I have been experiencing irregular periods, headaches, and backaches. Maybe it's because of stress.

Lord, please give me strength to carry on and and just carry my cross until I die. I was so motivated to study when I woke up this morning. But nowadays, I feel like I am unwanted in this world. Nobody understand me. Please listen to me, Lord. I am so alone right now. As I type this, my tears are about to stream down my face. I don't know what sine have I done to deserve this. I am asking for simple things but they still can't give these to me. My sister did worse. She failed some subjects and is often the one who doesn't listen to my parents but she still gets what she wants. Lord, why is it so unfair? When my parents are fighting, I am always the "sandwiched" ones and I can't escape. Please help me carry this cross, Lord. Please. please please please. please listen to my prayers. I am begging you, Lord. Please do not abandon me as well, Lord. You're my only hope.

I am so insecure. And I no longer feel welcome and at home in this world. :((