I am grateful to all those who pray for me. I don't even know what I need to connect with people and be able to communicate properly but what other people have, is lacking in me. I can't connect to people emotionally and I've tried. I know it's partly to do with how I was raised. I'm trying to come out of an addiction and draw closer to God at the same time. Please pray God would have mercy on me and give me the grace to stop sinning so I can get closer to Him. I've tried to stop sinning on my own and for some reason, I can't. I think partly it's because being sober I've become aware of how disconnected from everyone I really am and how I can't relate even if I try. I feel like I don't belong in this world. I feel like I exist in a place where everyone else is able to connect. I don't want to go back into addiction to fill this pain. I'm emotionally messed up to the point that only God can fix me and I'm at the mercy of if He's willing to or not. Also, I don't know how to open up my heart because I had to shut it and guard myself at a young age or be destroyed. I don't know why I'm here when there is nothing adaptive about me. I can't afford not to hope in God but I've been praying to be delivered from whatever it is that's telling me I should just leave because it's not going to get better. I've tried to quiet that voice but when I look around me, that is my reality and it is getting harder and harder not to lose heart. I'm losing the last bit of hope I have. I've been holding on for decades and I'm starting to worry that this won't get better and in that case, I don't have it in me to do even ten more years of this.