Please pray God would help me open my heart and help me to recieve His unconditional love. Please pray God would show me who I really am in Christ. Please pray the Holy Spirit takes away all the unworthiness programmed into me since birth. It's become so bad, I can't even let in love and when I think its almost going to happen, I sabotage myself and run the other way because I don't want to get hurt. I do want to get better but the truth is, I don't feel worthy. I've never felt worthy. I struggle with the most basic things and since I can write, people assume I have common sense too. But, I don't and I make people so angry and I don't want to be like that. I try to be normal and do things that shouldn't need explaining but then I get it wrong and I get yelled at all over again about how worthless I am. I developed an addiction because I couldn't handle feeling worthless all the time and depressed with nothing to help it. So now I'm stuck in this addiction that I can't get out of on my own. I have tried and I'm barely functional. People would know. I would reach out but I don't want to be mocked, used, ignored, manipulated or threatened, and that's all I've really gotten in the past from asking for help. From as far back as I remember, all I've ever done was want to love and care about people and I have gotten the exact opposite. Mostly by family. My parents hate me because I'm not normal and therefore worthless. They never knew me. They never cared to know me. They made me feel I couldn't trust myself. I don't even know how to assert what I need because I barely know because it never mattered only to shut my needs away and ignore them and act like I have none otherwise I'm selfish. I try to escape my family only to attract more hostile people. I wish their words would physically kill me instantly, I really do. I told God I would stay here and try as hard as I could for as long as I could. I'm running out of hope. Please pray God would bring people into my life who love me unconditionally. People that if they knew the truth about me, they would still be my friend. I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard and I'm tired of getting my hopes crushed and getting by heart broken and suffering at my lowest moments alone because no one can handle my darkness.
Thank you for the encouragement and the advice. May God continue to bless you!