Thankyou for all who have prayed for me. I still am struggling with addiction and depression but I am thankful for all the prayers. I would prefer this would just get better so I could stop asking for prayers. But, I don't know what else to do. I have prayed for decades. Its gotten so bad, I wonder if its only a matter of time before I take my life. I used to feel relief when I knew at least 1 person was praying for me. Lately, I have had to go to every site I can find and this takes up to an hour or longer each night before I feel relief. I don't like having to do this. I don't know what else to do. I have done everything I know to do on my own. I have prayed, praised and worshipped God, cried out to Him in prayer, fasted, and asked for prayer all over. I feel like I'm coming across as ungrateful and that couldn't be further from the truth. If I could get rid of this on my own, I never would reach out. I feel like I should be healed of this by now and it is too much to bear. It is. 1 Corinthians 10:13. Drives me absolutely insane. How is this not more than I can handle? I can't even function without something to numb my emotional pain that never ends. I took 2 months off work to sober up and give God time to heal me but I ran out of money so I had to go back to work and who I am naturally, sad all the time, its not enough. I can't be do that at work. I hate that I have to drug myself to function but otherwise I can't and its always been this way. None of the drugs they have given me for depression work. Therapy doesn't work. Nothing really works. The way I'm coping won't always work and then I'm out of luck and time and all I can do is hope that my efforts of trying hard and fighting for as long as I could are enough because I can't do this forever. I don't know if I can even do another 15 years of this and its not fair. I don't want to take my life. I am trying so hard not to despite feeling that is all I want to do because this pain never ends.
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